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1. You should start a
page about why people miss church. I'm sure there must be a million.
You could start with, I missed church because I had to go fishing.
Or how about, " I missed church because junior had a cold. I guess
the whole family had to stay home just to blow that poor kid's nose!
Or another would be, I missed church because I got up late, again. I
could go on and on. This would make a great page!
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2. Well...I could not
come to the church last Sunday... because there was a sermon in the
radio... ;)
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3. I had to miss Church
because the kids wanted to sleep in. Excuse: I couldn't go to church
today because I had a flat on the car and didn't think we could all
fit in the
truck.
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4. Excuse for skipping
church: Real Mysterious Sounding "I just had this feeling I
shouldn't be
there."
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5. NO EXCUSE SUNDAY:
DEDICATED TO MISSING CHURCH ATTENDEES!
To make it possible
for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a
special "No Excuse Sunday": Cots will be placed in the foyer for
those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in." There will be a
special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews
are too hard. Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes
from watching TV late Saturday night. We will have steel helmets for
those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too
cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot. Scorecards will be
available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go
to church and cook dinner, too. We will distribute "Stamp Out
Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking
for money. One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those
who like to seek God in nature. Doctors and nurses will be in
attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday. The sanctuary
will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies
for those who never have seen the church without them. We will
provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and
cotton wool for those who think he's too loud! Hope to see you
there!
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6. Here's a rather
interesting excuse for not going to church that my friend Sharon
gave me: Church gives me gas!
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7. [Substitute words as
appropriate for your own religious holidays and practices]: "Rabbi,
you kept us til almost 4:00 PM last Rosh Hashanah, so I ain't
busting my baytzim to get out of bed to come here on time."
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8. I've worked all week
so I'm too tired to go!
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9. The preacher moves
around to much.
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10. There are no people
my age so I'm not going.
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11. They don't meet my
needs.
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12. There are too many
hypocrites in
church.
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13. There are too many
sinners in
church.
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14. I'm too young -
I'll go when I'm too old to have any more
fun.
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15. It's
boring.
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16. I'm not good
enough.
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17. I'm still a
sinner.
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18. I'll go to church
after I stop
smoking.
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19. I'll go to church
after I stop drinking.
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20. I'll go to church
after I stop
cussin'.
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21. I still go to the
bars on Saturday night.
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22. I like to
party.
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23. I work seven days a
week.
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24. I don't have time
for God.
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25. I work six days a
week. The seventh day belongs to me.
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26. Ain't got
time.
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27. I work lots of
overtime....so I'm too tired to worship
God.
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28. The Sabbath day is
Saturday, not
Sunday.
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29. I don't get up in
time on Sunday morning.
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30. I have nothing to
wear.
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31. I don't think I
really believe in God.... I'm just not
sure.
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32. I don't believe in
God.
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33. I listen to church
on the radio.
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34. I attend church by
watching it on
TV.
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35. I watch Billy
Graham every
week.
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36. I belong to the 700
club; that's good enough.
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37. I don't do nothing
bad, so I'm goin' to heaven anyway.
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38. My family can get
me into heaven after I'm dead.
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39. I'll get religion
when I get to purgatory.
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40. I'll get religious
in my next
life.
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41. I don't understand
what's goin' on anyway.
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42. I can't follow what
they do, so why should I just sit
there.
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43. I can't afford to
give anything, and I don't want to be embarrassed.
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44. I don't want to put
anything in the plate.
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45. Why should I give
my money to some church?
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46. I don't want to be
around a bunch of bible thumpers.
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47. The service is too
long.
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48. The sermon is too
long.
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49. I don't like them
serving wine every two weeks.
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50. I don't like them
serving grape juice - they should serve
wine.
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51. I don't like the
songs we have to sing.
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52. I don't like the
songs the choir sings.
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53. The choir is too
loud.
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54. The choir doesn't
sing often
enough.
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55. The choir isn't
very good.
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56. It's too cold in
there, why don't they turn up the heat.
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57. It's too hot, why
don't they get air conditioning.
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58. The air conditioner
is too loud.
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59. It's too stuffy,
why don't they open some windows.
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60. The people always
try to get me to join the church.
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61. I hate it when they
ask me to stand up and introduce
myself.
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62. I'm not
religious.
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63. I don't believe in
religion.
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64. I worship God at
home when I'm
alone.
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65. Pastors can't
forgive sins.
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66. I don't have
transportation.
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67. My wife doesn't go,
so why should
I.
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68. My husband doesn't
go, so why should
I.
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69. My family never
went to church when I was a kid.
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70. There aren't any
good-looking guys there.
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71. There aren't any
good-looking girls there.
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72. I don't like the
statue of
Jesus.
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73. Jesus wasn't a blue
eyed white man.
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74. The pews are too
hard.
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75. It's uncomfortable
in church.
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76. I never know what
time I'm going to get home.
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77. I can't find a baby
sitter on
Sunday.
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78. The songs are too
old.
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79. The songs are too
European.
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80. Why don't they sing
Negro
spirituals?
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81. They're always
asking me for more of my money.
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82. I don't like all
the hollering and yelling some people
do.
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83. I should be able to
send in money if I want without having to put money in a
plate.
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84. I can't go to
church because my butt hurts from all the sittin and I need joint
replacements in my knee's from all the kneeling.
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85. The organ is too
loud.
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86. They don't play the
organ.
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87. I'm not coming if
they are going to play guitars and
drums.
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88. The whole service
is designed for old people.
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89. The whole service
caters to young people.
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90. They don't sing the
songs I like.
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91. Nobody notices when
I'm gone
anyway.
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92. I don't go to
church on Sunday because getting the kids dressed in their Sunday
Best first thing in the morning makes me cuss and curse the
Lord......very loudly.
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93. I'm too hung over
to get outta bed that early on Sunday.
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94. God made
Football.....doesn't that cover
it?
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95. The guy I slept
with last night....you know.....what's his name.....couldn't tell me
where the nearest church service was.....heathen that he must
be!
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96. Three words: Church
On Line
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97. I atoned for my
sins last year.
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98. I'm allergic to
incense.
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99. I'm allergic to
wine.
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100. I'm allergic to
unleavened
bread.
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101. My cat is a
prophet, I get all my Godly advice straight from the cat's mouth. If
the cat doesn't tell me to got to church, I consider it great wisdom
of the prophet.
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102. I don't go to
church cause I have a feeling that God doesn't like
agnostics.
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103. I am a song writer
and wrote a song about excuses people give for not serving and
worshipping the Lord. Your page covered most of them plus some. Here
are some others:
I must mow the yard.
I have to wash
the car.
It's family reunion day - most people don't seem to
know that they CAN have a family reunion on a Saturday!
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104. What go to church?
Sorry I'm
catholic.
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105. I can't go to
church, my name is Judas.
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106. My husband and I
both work for our church and if he doesn't feel like going into
church on Sunday, he'll often say, I just spent 5 (or 6) days there,
if we go to church today, I will be in church everyday for the last
12 days. That much church can kill a person.
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107. I'm sorry I can't
come to church because I'm all out of peanut butter. I t doesn't
have anything to do to keep you from going to church but it is just
as good of an excuse as any of the others. Because they are
all just excuses.
:)
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108. This parish is too
politically
correct.
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109. Church Excuse:
Veni, Vidi, NoN-Velcro. (I came, I Saw, I didn't stick
around.)
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110. It's amazing what
people will believe these days. I love using the Excuse "it's
against my religious beliefs." And have many times gone
overboard with using it. For example, I have one person
believing I can't eat nachos on Tuesdays because it was against my
religion. Another time I said I couldn't go the church because
of again my beliefs. And the people I told these things to
believed me. I keep making up new ones to tell people, and I
hope one of these days someone calls me on my bluffing.
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111. Sorry I couldn't
go to church last week, the devil is a horrible thing.
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112. Early one Sunday
morning, two men were on a golf course. One turns to the other
and says, "You know how religious I am. I couldn't go to
church this morning because my wife is
sick."
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113. Sorry I missed
Church, but I was too busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a
lesbian.
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114. Here's an excuse
for not going to church: The devil made me do it!
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115. I'm sorry I
couldn't come to church. The virgin sacrifice took longer than
we expected.
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116. I did not miss
Church, I found a new Church. It’s a wonderful Church so
singing, no sit-stand-kneel, it’s very peaceful. Every Sunday
you can faithfully find me at Saint Mattress.
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117. I did not miss
church, in fact I had quite a good time with out coming to
church.
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118. Sorry I missed
church today. I was performing a human sacrifice.
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119. I was meditating
with my Sangha ( a Buddhist community ) but I wasn't concentrating
very well. So, I overheard another member of the Sangha try to
makeup an excuse. He said, "Well... venerable sir... I had
to.. go to
church!"
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120. Sorry I missed
churched, but I was too busy becoming a lesbian and practicing
witchcraft.
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121. If someone asks
why you weren't at church look down and say 'yeah I've been bad, but
you're a Christian, please forgive me!'
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122. There is too much
praying going on.
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123. So far, I've had
the same person and his cohort try to 'recruit' (their word, not
mine) me not once, but twice! I swear, the next time they try
it again, it'll probably go something like this... <Me>
So, when do you meet? <Them> We meet at such & such
Church at Such & such time. <Me> Oooh... I'm afraid
I can't make it, as I've a naked chicken to sacrifice.
Besides, the Goddesses I honor don't like it when I join
cults. <looking at my watch> Damn! I gotta
go sacrifice a chicken right now! I suppose it kinda depends
on how they react, so I might not be able to give 'em the whole
story, but it'd be interesting to see the expressions on their
faces! *big grin*
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124. "I ate a donut and
then realized it was Sunday, so I started to hyperventilate and had
to be taken to the ER." Works for both church *and* work, if
used properly. This excuse may not be used as a flotation
device, pillow or condom. Excessive consumption may result in
laziness.
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125. I didn't go to
church because I had a dream, god was in it and he said not to
go!
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126.
This excuse is actually a comment left in The Mother of All Excuses
Place guestbook.
Of all the excuses used not to go to church
there is none that will work when Jesus comes back for us.
Just think where that excuse will get you then.
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127.
In one of the commandments, the Lord said that nobody shall do
anything on a Sunday. I a devout to my religion, and stay in bed all
day.
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128.
My house got robbed Saturday night losing everything including all
my dress clothes and shoes. Someone stole my wallet taking my
credit cards and money. Church Members are taking me in to
being active in our church and can't face them to say
no.
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129. I
skipped Church so the Deacons wouldn't ask me to help them with
Collection.
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130.
The Preacher talks to long during the Pastors
Echols.
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131. I
love going to church but the Pastor told me If I want to singing the
Choir I can no long wear pants but must wear a Dress or
Skirt.
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132.
All the parking spaces are
full.
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133.
There's a girl trying to kill me at Sunday
school.
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134.
Sorry I missed church, I've been practicing Witchcraft and becoming
a Lesbian.
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135.
My daughter recently attended church, and when the collection came
around asked, "Mum, can we go now we've paid up - I'm
bored!"
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136. I
can't go to church on Sundays because I'm too busy posting excuses
to The Mother of all Excuses Place!
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